Traffic Ticket

To people handling 911 emergency calls – 

What’s up Guys, long time !!! 

Last time we met, you guys were taking me to hospital for a cut which we consider as ... I mean ... what to say !! we would cut more in order to feel the pain if we are defining cut here. I mean it was nothing and for that my insurance had to pay 38000 dollars, now I totally know why doctors are so successful in US. I mean for no reason I was brutally man handled as if I am ... don’t know ... may be Thanks giving touching competition, whoever touches more wins the prize, let me not get into detail here. 

Okay I am writing this mail on behalf of Safety of pride Animal caring god knows what Association. The other day I was driving in my car on hoyt street, the street comes after grove street joining strawberry hill road, but don’t go in strawberry hill road, take a left, actually it’s not a left, it’s left deviation, I mean I can’t explain it further check Google maps for details. 

Okay anyway I was withholding the red signal, and suddenly it appeared green. But I couldn’t move further, and people started honking, it was like I heard the first honk in US. I had to look back to see who honked, but couldn't see that person. Meanwhile the light again turned red, then again green red green red green red sequence followed, until someone called 911 to report about my driving skills, I mean I was not even driving and how could he judge about my driving skills, anyway, I am still searching for that person who called 911. 

911 team arrived, and started talking to me with their usual cliche dialogue, god knows why it is called Miranda warnings, to me it looks like a movie dialogue, I always wanted to experience it personally, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you”. After hearing this I felt like I am in a movie :P 

Anyway, they asked me for the reason to block the road, I told them I couldn't proceed further since there was trail of ants crossing the road, now if I cross the road I might kill god knows so many ants. I was under the assumption that animal protection law is same for all, and there is no racism involved in that as well. 

However, I don’t care about racism, I am animal loving person, although I hate tiger lion snakes and lizard, tiger lion for obvious reason they are like hungry all the time. I personally do not like snakes movement. Why does it has to go in zigzag man, didn’t it tried going straight once,I would suspect lack of training and last but not the least Lizard, OMG, they are like creepy, I tried to watch them once and ended up watching their Reproduction mechanism, first of all I have no idea who was chasing whom, so correlated them with humans, usually male chases female. Damn it was scary. This is one of the reason that made me take a decision not to marry. 

Okay so according to Animal protection, ants need to be cared as well. I have two pets, I renamed them as ant#1 and ant#2. They don’t hear human voices, so I cleverly use sugar law. According to which, ants always gets attracted to Sugar irrespective of their position, weight, height, all eight dimensions, take whichever you want. 

Okay now I explained this situation to 911 people, and they were like laughing, and I was like holyshit, here we go, racism is still around. I am requesting on behalf of animal lovers bla bla association, Can we create a separate lane for ants, so that they are not brutally killed on the roads. Also, could you please cancel my traffic ticket for 300 dollars, I was just trying to be generous and I was not all blocking the traffic. 

Regards, 
Dave

Chat log with Apple Customer Care Team

Devashish Gaurav: Hey what up !!

Apple Customer Care: Good Morning Devashish Gaurav, This is Desiree from Apple Customer Support Team, how may i assist you?

Devashish Gaurav: Hi Desiree, I am actually planning to buy an iMac, but before buying it, i was just exploring some of the mall websites for the desktop table to keep the iMac. If you can help me, in case if, Apple has launched some desktop tables, might be known as iTable, it would be really great.

Devashish Gaurav: Specification of iTable should be 5 x 8 X 6 and it should be in white color, i personally like white furnitures. Also, it should within 100 dollars range.

Apple Customer Care: Dear Devashish, we really apologies for the inconvenience, but there are no such product called iTable manufactured by Apple.

Devashish Gaurav: I am little disappointed here, since Apple has a notion of putting "I" infont of everything, recently they launched a product called iPill, so i presumed if they can launch iPill, they would definitely have iTable. Anyway it would be really great if someone forwards my request to Apple furniture team.

Apple Customer Care: Thank you for your suggestion ! This will be definitely forwarded to Apple entire unit. Is there anything else i can assist you with?

Devashish Gaurav: No Thanks a lot

Apple Customer Care: I from entire apple team apologies for your disappointment, Have a good day Devashish, it was really nice talking to you !!

Devashish Gaurav: Same here Desiree! High Five !!!

Change in IMEET Music Tone

From: Gaurav, Devashish
Sent: Tuesday, June 22, 2011 12:44 AM
To: [undisclosed recipient]
Cc: [undisclosed recipient]
Subject: Change in IMEET Music Tone

Hi,

No more apologies even if this is the incorrect distribution list.

On Behalf of my team, I am requesting to change the music played before meeting starts (REF: Cisco Meeting Place #XXX XXX XXXX).

After a brief discussion within our most productive team which took place for deep and profound 35 days, we finally came to the conclusion that we are completely annoyed and fully exhausted with this music. It’s just not soothing to ear anymore. We have seen that people often leave the meeting on and go afk (away from keyboard). I am searching for one of them and the day I find someone, I don’t know what am I going to do, I will probably ask him not to leave phone unattended, what else can I do. Anyway coming back to the point, the voice of the lady is also unbearable these days especially when she says “Meeting is now in Session” or “Press the Pound Key”. Also, It becomes most irritating when it emits that elevated music like pum pum pum and again pum pum pum one more time with low pitch pum pum pum.

It would be really great if someone from your team replaces this frivolous exasperating music. Also, we have some beautiful suggestions because we decided we cannot leave it to you guys since you will use another boring sort of music.

Following are some of the Music Note Suggestions:

1) Kambakhqt Ishq (to make people awake before the call)
2) Kaanta laga (for escalation calls)
3) Raat ka Nasha abhi (for late night workers)
4) Chaudhivi ka Chaand ho (for Indian BRMs)
5) No me molesto mosquito (for US employees)

Also, please prevent romantic songs like “Kya yahi pyaar hai”, this is kinda important, since people go day dreaming and consequently affects the code change in production, right now I am already fixing 3 such bugs, whole application is blasting including BRMs.

If there is some user defined configuration involved, then I can give one of my song which I sang, although that will be disaster, but I personally feel people do love it.

Come’ on Guys ffs, change this music please, don’t make me cry, please I beg you (only dollars accepted).

Hoping to hear back from you !

Thank You and Best Regards,
Devashish Gaurav

Laptop: Unexplained Myth/Anomaly or a New Discovery

From: Gaurav, Devashish
Sent: Saturday, October 23, 2010 3:33 AM
To: [undisclosed recipient]

Cc: ‘TechnicalSupport@acer.com’
Subject: Laptop: Unexplained Myth/Anomaly or a New Discovery

Tech Team,

Apologies if this is the incorrect distribution list !!

I have received an Acer laptop with specifications as mentioned below:

Processor: Intel core 2 duo processor with processing speeds of 2.10 GHZ and 1.19 GHZ – Is this core 2 duo functionality really works, as per core 2 duo functionality, as far as I understand, both the processor  should work in together and not alone. 

RAM: 1.93 GB of RAM – I have heard of 512 MB RAM or 1.5 GB of RAM or 2 GB of RAM, how can one end up in 1.93 GB, this is really strange, anyway this is not my problem, who cares as I work in IDC (acronym for I Don’t Care)

Hard disk: When I got people said 160 GB, but when you see in my computer C drive – 71.7 and D drive 71.7, lets say another 1 GB for backup, I hope you guys are not storing BIOS on hard disk that would be completely insane as BIOS should actually be on ROM. So if we calculate the total capacity 71.7 + 71.7 + 1 + 1 for BIOS, which I doubt, so total comes 145.4, where the hell is rest 14.6 go, I mean I am not allowed to store movies on office laptop but had it been my personal laptop, I could have definitely stored 28 DVDRip movies of 700 MB capacity each. Well this is again not my problem as this is office laptop. Anyway by now you have a complete picture of how my laptop looks, I mean internally, not externally.

Now my problem is, whenever I save any data on my hard disk, my laptop weight increases. In the beginning my laptop’s weight was 1.33 Kg approx and 1.3347623743875893457893467 Kg to be exact. This weight was calculated when I had 145.4 GB as free space. Say after 3 months, now my hard disk free space is 101 GB approx (please do let me know if you need exact free space details) and the weight has been increased to 1.47 Kg approx. Suddenly acronym for IDC changes to “I Do Care”

Okay now let us explore some scientific calculations – 

Disk space utilized >> 145.4 – 101 = 44.4 GB = 44.4*1024*1024*1024*8 bits = 381393095884.8 bits

Weight gained >> 1.47 – 1.33 = 0.14 Kg = 0.14*1000*1000*1000 = 140000000000 nano grams

Weight of one bit >> 140000000000/381393095884.8 = 0.36707533909393860413147522522523 nano gram/bit = 0.37 nano gram/bit approx.

This 0.37 Ng/bit might look very small now, but what if I increase my hard disk space later, my back ache has already started giving me all sorts of problems.

Also, does this mean that we have actually made a discovery of weight of 1 bit, if yes I would like to file for a patent, do let me know your valuable thoughts on this.

Thank You and Best Regards,

Devashish Gaurav

Thakur is the one !!

Hi Guys,


I am back with a unique story:


Characters: 


Thakur:- For those who doesn't know, Thakur is a character from Hindi movie "Sholay". In a sword fight with the villain "Gabbar", he lost both his hands. When Gabbar was chopping his hands, the first thought which came to Thakur's mind was "now Ramlal, his servant, has to accompany him when he goes to loom for shit" ....Well its not funny, we should actually not laugh on such situations, but in case if you can't control, please go afk and laugh, otherwise it will be an insult to Thakur, which he will never tolerate.


Neo:- This guy need no introduction, He was made to believe by so called Human being named "Morpheus" that He is the ONE but the truth is really inevitable. In case if you don't know who Neo is, i would better advice you to search on google for the tallest building in your city, then take a cab and goto to the terrace of that building and take a free fall.


Julian:- He is my favorite character, a lemur king in movie Madagascar. His quotes from the movie would give a better preview of this character:


Julian: [begins waving to the zoo animals on the boat] Maurice, my arm is tired, wave it for me 
[Maurice begins waving Julian's arm] 
Julian: Faster, you naughty little monkey!


Julian: [Hiding in the bushes with the other lemurs] Shhhh, we're hiding. Everyone keep quiet, including me... SHHHHHH! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again...    


Julian: Another thing I would do is invade a neighboring country, and force my own ideology on them, even if they didn't want it. 


Julian: Whatever happened to the separation of the classes? 


Julian: Oh, certainly throwing a giraffe into a volcano to make water, is crazy! 


Julien: [referring to the fiery volcano] I'd jump in myself, if I weren't so good at whistling.[proceeds to whistle terribly] 


To be continued ... 

Simple Harmonic Motion at my desk

From: Gaurav, Devashish
Sent: Friday, September 25, 2009 5:22 PM
To: [Undisclosed DistributionList]
Cc: [Undisclosed DistributionList]
Subject: RE: Simple Harmonic Motion at my desk

Hi,

Apologies if this is the incorrect distribution list for this query.

I am located in ecospace tower B 5th Floor bay 7 workstation no. BDC4B.05.343. I’ve noticed some abnormalities at my desk. Between 3 pm to 5 pm my desk shakes at a regular interval of say 10 to 12 minutes. Although, the experience is not like a roller coaster ride but it certainly feels like we are experiencing some sort of earthquake. We are exceptionally unaware of the reason behind it. But, I am pretty sure that it’s definitely not earthquake as Online Richter scale shows 0 reading. Earlier I thought, it’s the spring in my chair but even after replacing 7 chairs problem still persists, so faulty chair possibility is ruled out. High Five !!! 

I have this inner conscience, whenever these technical failures come up, allows me to give wild guesses which may or may not be right. So, my guess would be whenever all the 4 lifts crosses 5th floor simultaneously, it creates a simple harmonic motion (SHM) consequently creating this anomaly. But there are many unanswered questions which are myths, like, why it happens only between 3 pm and 5 pm and why other people can’t experience it etc.

We would be really glad if someone from Seismological department has a look into this so called artificial earthquake because we really do not like shaking at regular intervals. I am assuming that Our Company has Seismological department in place, in case there is no such department could you guys please consult ISRO or NASA for the same?

Thanks in advance.

Thank You and Best Regards,

Devashish Gaurav

Shoe polishing machine is changing brands

From: Gaurav, Devashish 
Sent: Tuesday, October 06, 2009 11:32 AM
To: [Undisclosed Name]
Cc: [Undisclosed Name]
Subject: Shoe polishing machine is changing brands


Hi,


Apologies if this is the incorrect distribution list for this query.


I am located in ecospace tower B 5th Floor. There is a shoe polishing machine kept inside the toilet closed to Bay 7. I am really unhappy about the functionality of the machine.


As far as I understand shoe polishing machine, as the name suggests, is used to polish shoe but this one is changing my shoe’s brand. I recently bought a Woodland shoe and now it has been changed to some unknown shoe brand which is really annoying and unwanted. It’s only after visiting marathalli I came to know that show brand was Sri Leathers. I am really depressed. I don’t even get motivated after wearing that shoe now. Can u believe it I mean 2800 rupees shoe got converted to “what”?? I don’t even know how much Sri Leathers shoes cost but as it looks now I am definitely sure that it will not cost more than 20 to 25 rupees or may be it comes free with steel spoon as if it’s a Diwali offer.    


Also, I would really appreciate if someone explains me about the technical functionality of the shoe polishing machine. And, if there are some machines which really transform brands then it should always change it to higher brands and not cheap brands like Relaxo, Bata or Sri Leathers. Oh Common I mean these brand sounds so cheap, this is really annoying. Anyway, Could anyone at least have a look on that sick machine or I would be really glad if that machine is replaced. 


Thanks in Advance.


Thank You and Best Regards,
Devashish Gaurav